There's a reason and all I'm asking is for an open ear and heart.

I've been lying to myself all through high school and stumbled upon that field in middle school. I can't believe that I'll be the exact same and getting worse in college at this rate.

I feel like a part of me, died. I feel like who I am, is getting lost to find a place to die - just like a dog finding it's own grave.

Help me.

I keep on calling for you Daul.

I hope I can get there

I've been suffering from depression since middle school.
I'm surprised that I've come this far. I exhaust myself with all these roller coaster ups and downs (no, definitely not bipolar). Sometimes I innocently ask myself when will this "stop." My good days are when I'm just depressed, not thinking about suicide...
How things are for me lately...when everyone else is/was struggling about college decisions, financial aid, etc. I was struggling for my will to live. Still am. I've been exercising lately - I think those times are my "high"moments. I can feel, not numbness. But I've been exercising for the wrong purposes (more like there is no purpose in that bigger picture I feel when there is) which makes me unhappy. at this point, I don't need a therapist now, I need to get away. I really do. People don't understand that. I do, but others don't - so I suffer in prison because I can't really get away unless I deal with "others" first. I've brought it up to my parents. They try their best, but I think with this they want to deny it. Inside me right now and then, I just scream how can you deny the need for me to get away (I asked and told them about my need) when my life's on the line. I don't know how much I can last. Life's going on, duh. But I need a break to make sure I even have a life to live for. I hope I can get there where I can be happy and take on things in life with responsibility, humbleness, and gratitude not just with the mindset that these are tasks I have to complete - it's too depressing. God, "depressing"...It has gone to the point of insomnia I guess. I can't sleep. While I'm awake, I'm just so sad and see no value in anything. I'm getting tired of writing about this constant and regular thing that runs in my mind by the hour. I just needed to write it out.

Sometimes you have to be the Big, BIGGER person

You be the bigger person and give braille to the "blind."

Used To Be Happy.

I used to be happy.
Now I'm in this awkward twilight zone.
I can only wish to washed away in a streetcar named Desire.
I don't have a paper lantern for Marlow to tear off.
There's no need for that because I never had a reputation.
I wish I did to move away...
a Department are the facets of Marlow.

The Lovely Words of my Sister

"I hate the way you are."

Of course you do, I'm not even myself. 

Hate it when people change for the worse.

Just because I am applying to art schools, doesn't make me "less valuable" from those applying to private schools that aren't art schools. fyl's. FUCK YOUR LIVES.

Why can't a girl pursue her dreams?

I get so much support
Only to be let down in the end.
To put it into other words...false encouragement.
Dear sister, where do you stand?
I open my room to you
Only then to hear you say that my dreams are inconsiderate.
It stings me to think that when our parents said the same thing,
You were there to support me.
I get so much support
Only to be let down in the end.
To put it into other words...false encouragement.
I know i must overcome obstacles..
It's just tiring to know that the supporters I thought I once had
Dwindle away.