I've been suffering from depression since middle school.
I'm surprised that I've come this far. I exhaust myself with all these roller coaster ups and downs (no, definitely not bipolar). Sometimes I innocently ask myself when will this "stop." My good days are when I'm just depressed, not thinking about suicide...
How things are for me lately...when everyone else is/was struggling about college decisions, financial aid, etc. I was struggling for my will to live. Still am. I've been exercising lately - I think those times are my "high"moments. I can feel, not numbness. But I've been exercising for the wrong purposes (more like there is no purpose in that bigger picture I feel when there is) which makes me unhappy. at this point, I don't need a therapist now, I need to get away. I really do. People don't understand that. I do, but others don't - so I suffer in prison because I can't really get away unless I deal with "others" first. I've brought it up to my parents. They try their best, but I think with this they want to deny it. Inside me right now and then, I just scream how can you deny the need for me to get away (I asked and told them about my need) when my life's on the line. I don't know how much I can last. Life's going on, duh. But I need a break to make sure I even have a life to live for. I hope I can get there where I can be happy and take on things in life with responsibility, humbleness, and gratitude not just with the mindset that these are tasks I have to complete - it's too depressing. God, "depressing"...It has gone to the point of insomnia I guess. I can't sleep. While I'm awake, I'm just so sad and see no value in anything. I'm getting tired of writing about this constant and regular thing that runs in my mind by the hour. I just needed to write it out.
